He ain’t heavy, he’s my brother

This blog is all about raising a child with ADHD and the challenges we face as we grow together. What I haven’t talked about is what it must be like for the other members of our family and some of the challenges they have faced.

Leni has two older brothers who no longer live at home but they were still living with us before his diagnosis and for a short while there after. They got the boisterous, hyperactive, fun Leni and didn’t really experience the rebound effect of medication that we had to live with in the early days of Ritalin.

There is still one who lives at home and that’s Lenis 12 year old brother. He has been exposed to all the ups and downs associated with Lenis diagnosis and has lived and breathed some of the worst moments that many others haven’t seen or heard.

When your in the throes of a meltdown it’s easy to forget that others are around but when I reflect on it I can’t imagine how hard it must be for him. He doesn’t have to manage Lenis routine but he is surrounded by the commotion at times and can get caught up in the drama.

He understands ADHD better than most 12 year olds but he still gets upset by the meltdowns and is easily frustrated when Leni doesn’t comply with things like family outings.

Sometimes as parents we forget that his brother is dealing with other things to like puberty, high school and friendships which means that it’s ok for him to not always get it. He is navigating such an important often confusing time and still living and breathing the ADHD challenges.

It would be fair to say that we might expect more from him and wish for him to be the easy child. What we forget though, is that he might feel burdened by this which would be completely understandable.

Leni will often want his brother to play games with him on the Xbox which is often met with disagreements because they don’t have the same taste in games, making it seem more like a chore for him rather than fun. This cause’s lots of arguments which often end in an emotional outburst from Leni.

Recently I had to explain to his brother that it wasn’t about the ADHD which is what he was blaming Lenis meltdown on, but instead had more to do with the fact that Leni looks up to him and just wanted someone to play with.

All of Lenis brothers have good friends, people they can count on, lean on and hang out with but Leni struggles to make friends (another post altogether) and really relies heavily on those interactions. He doesn’t get why they don’t always want to hang out with him which he sees as rejection something ADHDers take very personally.

For his older brother living at home I need to nurture him as much as I do Leni and lower my expectations because after all he is still young. I’m closer to middle age and I still struggle to understand the complexities of ADHD so how can I expect a 12 year old to get it?

I’m super grateful to have 4 boys that love each other very much and support each other through everything but I also need to be mindful that they are human and can’t always be the rock that Leni needs.

I’m very aware of how we handle things because I don’t want his brothers to be resentful of the attention given to Leni. There was a time where his brother living at home would often say you always take his side or you always blame me but we were just trying to get a handle on things and didn’t mean to purposely make him feel that way. Now that we have navigated the trickier waters together both hubby and I spread ourselves out a little more to cover the complexities of raising an ADHDer and a teenager.

The hard part as the years roll into each other will be making sure we continue to parent this way and that we don’t lose sight of his brothers whilst dealing with the ever changing challenges that raising a child with additional needs can bring. We need to support them as much as Leni and if they ever feel that we are not I hope our relationships are strong enough for them to tell me.

Lenis is super fortunate to have brothers and likewise they are lucky to have him. They are constantly learning from each other and it is a relief for us as parents to know that he has people in his life who will be a constant for him no matter what.

The Hollies summed it up perfectly in their song, He ain’t heavy, he’s my brother with the first verse,

… The road is long
With many a winding turn
That leads us to who knows where, who knows where
But I’m strong
Strong enough to carry him
He ain’t heavy, he’s my brother