I do but sometimes I don’t!

I’ve been with my husband for eighteen years and whilst I love him dearly, I also dislike him immensely sometimes, and I’m sure without a doubt that the feeling is mutual.

Relationships can really test you and some of the biggest tests come with moving in together for the first time, getting married, buying a house and then if your fortunate and because you want to, having kids.

For most people the battle lines are drawn with parenting, and I might be a bit brazen in saying this, but most couples don’t have the same parenting style as was the case with hubby and I and it doesn’t become abundantly clear until your in the midst of changing nappies and picking schools.

I was already a mother to two boys when I met hubby and so many people assumed that I would not want any more children, but I was still young and wanted to add to our family. We welcomed two more boys to the fold and the youngest as you already know was Leni.

When we were referred to a psychologist for Leni, hubby was very supportive and came with me to the assessment centre. He was just as open to the results as I was and even though we were together when we heard them we probably processed them differently.

We were both equally unsure about medication but unlike some couples neither of us was completely against it so the decision to start Leni on stimulants was quite easy.

The biggest issue we faced in our relationship was what to do after the medication started. How would we handle the come downs, how would we manage school and homework? When it came to all those things, we had very differing opinions. I wanted to research everything I could to find out as much as possible about ADHD and hubby was happy to just go with the flow and in many ways try to parent Leni much the same way we did the others.

Our differing opinions has led to many arguments mostly out of frustration and at times this has taken a toll on our marriage. For example I dislike homework and I am of the belief that a child who has ADHD spends the better part of their day trying so hard to be calm and stay focused at school, that by the time they get home they just need time to unwind and hyper focus on something they enjoy. Hubby, however, believes that making Leni do homework straight after school is more beneficial for him and will help him retain what he has learnt that day.

People will say I’m being soft, in fact his brothers at one time or another have said the same thing, but I’m just trying to be more understanding of ADHD and how his brain works.

I think when it comes to homework if Leni comes home and seems happy enough to tackle it then so be it but, if he comes home and the mere suggestion of homework sets him off then it’s best to just leave him be that day. I like to pick my battles carefully.

Much of my spare time is spent learning as much as I possibly can about ADHD so our son has the best chance of being understood and appreciated for all he is and can be. The only people who can truly advocate for Leni at school, sport or at home are hubby and I.

As a parent Leni’s dad would die for him and will always want what’s best for him but he isn’t as good as implementing ADHD strategies to make things easier for himself. If I share an idea with him on how he can approach a task with Leni or handle confrontation with him differently he might try it once but will forget to use it again and so we end up back at square one.

This makes things hard and has meant that we as parents have come across as less than a united front on a few occasions which is so frustrating when you have kids that are smart enough to pick up on that.

An article I recently read said that nearly twice as many couples of ADHD children have divorced by the time their child is 8 as opposed to just half of that for couples of neurotypical children. To me that is not at all surprising. Parenting is hard enough as it is but when your tasked with raising a child that has additional needs it can be quite taxing.

It was especially hard immediately following the diagnosis because it was all so new to us and we just had no idea what we were dealing with. The early days of medication were tough on all of us but I found myself taking on more than hubby emotionally which made me somewhat resentful of him at times.

We have come a long way since those days and whilst marriage is not easy and we are both learning more about ADHD as we go, we love each other and are invested in our relationship and our family so we do all we can to make it work even, if at times it doesn’t seem like it.